I detect smoke in the area of your jeans

I have recently experienced (again) in doing what I usually do, taking people at face value, the needing to revise that strategy.

I want to be cared about and understood exactly as I am, and would not really feel good or satisfied having either changed or misrepresented myself to get the love. I tend to assume that others are similarly ethically inclined. Incorrect. Insert admiration, respect, plaudits, a promotion or any other pleasant adjectives and/or nouns (fluffy bunnies or juicy pickle work just as well) for love, it still holds true.

Perhaps some people feel so unlovable that they manipulate any angle for these adjectives, to make them feel good. How can it feel good if it’s based in false information? I’m not talking about a little hyperbole here, I can live with that, no problem.

I’m guessing false good feelings is not the actual addiction. I suspect the greasy, queasy, acid feeling of having slipped another one by another sucker and waiting (and I’m betting hoping) to see if the other shoe drops, really feeds some need to lower oneself deeper into the fryer.

I once went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. I watched and listened to people describing, with what seemed like tortured relish, things like eating 2 dozen doughnuts in the Kroger parking lot and passing out.
I feel the same energy here. It feels like, “I am such an asshole, let me just pile on myself, in the actions, in the reliving and in the confessional, what a huge loser I am”. In my view that can be an infantile activity. A refusal to accept responsibility.

Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe in the power of confession. It can be a real catalyst and clear the path for change. I just felt like what I was hearing was more of an oft repeated, wallow in self flagellation.
I can’t see how rolling in muck is an effective way to get clean. Either wallow gleefully in muck or don’t. If you’re sick of muck, acknowledge that muck was not as much fun as you thought it would be, take a shower and resolve to try to stay away from muck as much as possible. If you slip and fall in again, take another shower and stay farther away from that muddy patch at the edge. But I digress, as usual.

Here’s the deal, you’re cruising on your twisted path. I watch because it’s in my own best interest to monitor this. I have social dealings with you and while that could be avoided, it would be difficult and would likely force a confrontation. As I am not your conscience and you are not my job, I’m not available for that.
I tend to think that you wait for someone to come charging in, confronting you and making big drama about your “badness'”. I suspect that would be fodder for your complex for years. Or the big thrill of the big breakdown, the pouring of the sticky goo all over your confessor and then your “new beginning” and all the petting, cooing and attention that could garner you. Nope, not interested in being gooped. Or feeding the attention addiction. If that goes down I’ll see ya on the other side, the way other side.

I just thought I’d mention that I think I get your game. But you probably won’t realize this as you’re quite busy trying to be the center, and reciprocity doesn’t gain you much. So you’re not here.