It's Nigel nicked

My uncle once - drove his milk truck, literally, across the Niagara River.

Never in my life - have I killed a human

When I was five - I was boy crazy

High school was - Batshit insane

I will never forget - fairies, Mescalito, and chess sets in the sky

I once met - H.H. The Dalai Lama

There's a girl I know - who is so damn sad, it’s just terrible to watch

Once, at a bar - I licked Mojo Nixon

By noon, I'm usually - feeling fairly human

Last night - my dogs were barking

If I only had - health

Next time I go to church it will be - a wedding, a funeral or Hell will be unseasonably cold

What worries me most is - brain damage

When I turn my head left I see - Nigel hanging out with cats

When I turn my head right I see - a bit of a mess

You know I'm lying when - I lie

What I miss most about the eighties is - having the cajones to wrap and tie myself in shreds of black lace and leave the house

If I were a character in Shakespeare I would be - a fish monger

By this time next year I would - like to have some income

A better name for me would be - Homer Snodgrass

I have a hard time understanding people who - think war is positive in any way

If I ever go back to school - I'll have found a massive pile of money

You know I like you if - I touch your arm

If I ever won an award the first person I would thank would be - Mr. Roboto

Take my advice, never - drink straight vinegar

My ideal breakfast is - going to Frank’s, and splitting an order of french toast, a BLT with fries, and a side of coleslaw with someone witty and charming

A song I love but do not have is - The Bells Of Moscow

If you visit my hometown I suggest you - go sailing

Why won't people - get one F’ing clue

If you spend the night at my house you’d better - like cats and smoke

I'd stop my wedding for - pretty much anything, I’m simply not the marrying kind

The world could do without - High Fructose Corn Syrup!

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than - be a Thanatoser

My favorite blonds(s) is/are - usually under the age of four

Paper clips are more useful than - trying to guess motivations

If I do anything well it's - somatization

And by the way - I want a feast, I want a bean feast