Now we are 4

Today is the anniversary of this here beast. I get a fresh page too. (I start a new word-processing document every three months). Perhaps that will help the clean slate and reflecting process.

I have learned some serious stuff since I blithely jumped on the blog bandwagon. If anyone here recalls, I hadn’t even started college yet waaaay back then. As well as that I have been through a gamut of emotional, physical, personal, personnel, job, and psychological changes in these four years. I can safely assert, quite strenuously, that I am really not the same person I was then. Except for the part where I am even the same person as I was when I was seven. As evidenced by a linked haiku I wrote then called “Haikus of War and Pollution”. Of course it wasn’t technically haiku but the point is still apparent.

I could go into great depth about the strange and frequently painful growth and change I’ve been through lately, but instead I guess I should speak on my current relationship to this space. I’m really struggling with keeping this going. I guess I have learned that I am not as interested in transparency as I once thought I was. It really only took one snarky ass to precipitate major rearmament. I am a person without skin. This attempt to lay aside some of the layers of collected hides has been difficult. Really difficult. Forget “if you prick me do I not bleed”, I’m a constant oozer.

I don’t know where we’re going now. I am trying to find the right level of opacity in the bandages I’m applying. Maybe not so much wanton displaying of the ragged, gaping, wounds. Some prodding of sores but perhaps not open-heart surgery. Laudable pus is desirable, lately I’ve been festering, and there’s a detectable whiff of rot.