LFMCoF #14

No matter how hard pressed for time you are, most things SHOULD be allowed to cool a bit before trying to put through the blender, cuisinart, food mill, ricer, etc., etc.

LFMCoF #13

There really is no way that the wild crafted, organic, pine nuts @ $80 a lb. are going to be significantly, spectacularly, enough better than the regular @ $20 a lb. to be worth it.

LFMCoF #12

• Not everyone enjoys your method of making Midwest Middle Eastern food “a little more authentic tasting” by bunging rose water into various recipes.

LFMCoF #11

• Not everyone enjoys your method of making Midwest Mex food “a little more authentic tasting” by bunging chocolate into various recipes.

LFMCoF #10

• While baking soda or salt can smother a grease fire, flour is actually an incendiary.

LFMCoF #9

• Never trust a recipe from the thirties, forties or fifties in that it calls for sufficient butter or what we now consider to be a normal amount of salt. Unless you really rather like your pastries to resemble Saltines.

LFMCoF # 8

• Never, ever, again trust a Kroger, it was right there on the counter, looking so tempting, pumpkin pie. That is unless you have a kink for vomiting so hard you might: bring up toenails, never stop peeing yourself, and actually aspirate while sitting upright... (Always make your own).

LFMCoF #7

Before volunteering to make the “rolls” for your neighbors fancy, schmancy Thanksgiving dinner party, it’s best to have used yeast a few times and to have gained a basic ability to raise dough as opposed to serving wet-in-the-middle gluten balls.

LFMCoF #6

• If you are really excited about your new cuisinart, and let your drunky, caveman, roommate de-virginize it by making his “special”, chunky, salsa, you should know that it may be more than twenty years before you are financially, and psychologically, ready to try your new, new cuisinart yourself.

LFMCoF #5

• When the book and the DVD have both enjoined you repeatedly to “remember that cuisinart blades are razor sharp”, it behooves the person who has avoided getting their tetanus booster since they were fourteen, to not attempt to grab said blades when they learn to fly.

LFMCoF #4

• You must wait for the blender to completely stop whirring before sticking in a wooden chopstick to dislodge the nonmoving stuff at the bottom. Nobody loves strawberry-splinter smoothies.

LFMCoF #3

• If your gas stove and sink are at immediate right angles to each other, wearing a bellbottom sleeved shirt while boiling potatoes on the lower right burner and simultaneously washing the dishes, is not a happy thing. And if your fringed, polyester sleeve would be on fire, plunging it into the dishwater would be much more clever than running across the room while the resulting napalm adheres to your arm.

LFMCoF #2

• Just because some people, for some unknown reason, like Hawaiian style pizza, it doesn’t of necessity follow that a sauté of ham, pineapple and cream sauce will be acceptable.

LFMCoF #1

New Series...

Oil-pulling thing - I am still doing this. I had a break after about 47 days, when the house situation changed. People moved out, people moved in, the living room moved upstairs, all of which threw my AM routines completely out of whack. But I’m getting back in the groove and I did finally switch to coconut oil which is completely neutral tasting and makes the whole thing easier... And I do find there are some health benefits to it. I don’t know about all the wild claims but my mouth is definitely healthier.

Now I am on to a new thing gleaned from the #LFMF (Learn From My Fail) website. But this is (naturally) about cooking. So starting with one of the oldest I can remember:
LFMCoF #1

• If you are only eight, and have begged to be allowed to prepare the Blueberry Cobbler for the special company dinner, and you are having trouble deciphering your mom’s spidery script on the recipe card, just ask her. She would have been happy to explain that it actually said to mix two tablespoons of flour (not salt) into the berries.